The Lady of the Cherry
by Talia
Summary: A parody/satire fic written ages ago posted anew as it's probably one of the best things I ever wrote. SPELLING/FORMATTING/DIALOGUE ERRORS ARE DELIBERATE. Plot: The gorgeous princess Sakura Sushiko is being forced to marry Aku, even though she really always wanted to be a samurai. Good thing she happens to meet a samurai that a prophecy had foretold she would wed!
1. Chapter 1

Sakura Sushiko was a beautiful princess, but, in spite of her beautifulness, she was most sad, for she was supposed to marry Aku, and she never really wanted to be a princess anyway, she had always really wanted to be a samurai, and she had secretly been training at night, and one day, as she sat, at her window, looking out, at the garden below, she decided, suddenly, that it was time to go, so she went to the closet, where she had stored up a rope she'd made, from sheets, and tied it to the bed, then threw it, that is, the rope, not the bed, outside, into the garden, and climbed, slowly, down, onto the grass, where she stood, for a moment, before running away, with her sword, that she had with her the entire time.

She got about three miles away when she suddenly saw a samurai wearing white and suddenly he looked at her and she was suddenly stricken by how good looking he was and suddenly she found she couldn't speak because she was dumbstruck and suddenly he came over to her and said quite suddenly:

"Hello, you look exactly like the girl I was prophesied to marry."


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura was shocked. "But I am to marry Aku..." she started. Then she grew haughty. "And anyway, I do not wish to be married. I am no housewife! I am a liberated girl!" To prove her point, she ripped her clothes off till she was wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini.

The samurai smiled. "You are not yet ready to be a samurai. You still have reservations; you still act like a woman instead of an angry gay man, which is key to Girl Power. Come, and I will teach you The Way."

Sakura suddenly felt reserved, but she suddened toward him suddenly, so suddenly that the samurai a-suddened backward, sidden by her beauty. This was going to be an adventure.


	3. Chapter 3

Meanwhile, at Sakura's house, the castle, Aku had come at last to marry her. He was talking to her evil father who had arranged the marriage just to be mean. When it was disocvered that Sakura wad sone, they gorh becaime vey angry.

"Hu darst that wrecche hoor-girl disobey me? I barely bete her ever, and yet she tretes me as this! What that girl needeth beo a good betyng!"

Aku ygrede fulliche. "Bute ho is an hoore?" he askede mid carien.

"Oh, na, na. Thaet waes aenig on acwethan folcisc," acweode hi faeder.

"Oh," Aku acweode.


	4. Chapter 4

Meanwhile unaware of what was happening Sakura and Jack were in the woods training her to be a new real samurai they were meditating only Sakura was having trouble and complained to Jack who turned to her smiling and said he knew the solution and he kissed her and asked her if that worked.

"You're right," said Sakura with excitement, "It was like there were no thoughts in my mind at all!" she said, twirling her hair vacantly.

"Then I will have to kiss you more," said Jack, who leaned in, but Sakura turned away from him. Little did he know about her tragic past...


	5. Chapter 5

"My wicked father is a horrible man who did terrible things that were not good. Once he even tried to rape me and videotape it so that he could flood the black market. If he hadn't been so drunk again that he passed out first, I hate to think what would have happened!

"To make things worse, he isn't really even my father. I was abandoned on his doorstep as a child. My real parents are the rulers of a much larger, better kingdom."

"Oh," said Jack.


	6. Chapter 6

Sakura continued with a toss of her hair, shimmering and lighted well by the golden beams of Helios cast down upon it, and freely flowing as floweth the river rapid; its darkened hue did glimmer well, as a gem of onyx doth only gleam all the more for its blackness when touched by summer's light, and she started talking again:

"The only reason my real father had to abandon me was due to Aku, who was trying to kill him and me. It was for my own protection. That's why my fake father thought it would be really mean to make me marry him! Aku, not my father! And worst of all... he wishes me to get married while wearing a dress!"

Jack gasped in horror.

"My father, not Aku."


	7. Chapter 7

"That's terrible," said Jack, "But you know I love you and I would never make you get married while wearing anything other than a string bikini."

Sakura sighed sadly. "So says someone seeking solace. Such sweet stipulations seem so sound, save substantialities stating spousal sacraments stand so unmanlyly."

"There's nothing unmanly about getting married. Even manly men like the ancient heroes of Greece got married."

"Aye, alack! I cannot love you!" (A?N: DONT WORY P3OPL3 SHES GONG 2 FAL IN LOVE WIT HIM L8R JUST U WATE11!1!1 OMG) she cried with her face raised toward the heavens. "I abhor all traditions assigned to women, and it is not the way of the warrior to love (A?N: TE HE HE IMM SO SLY!11! OMG) another but rather to kill and destroy! No, Samurai- just what is your name? (A?N: WTF LOL PDQ) Nevermind, it is immaterial. I bid you good evening."


	8. Chapter 8

Sakura slinked enshroudingly away, to a patch of grass, the tallest blades growing roughly as high as a ballpoint pen and the shortest so undersized that they barely poked up from the dampened, unpolished dirt below. The color of the herb was a verdant green, though tinted with little color a slightly cobalt blue, due to the indigo of the night-time sky that hung above the mountainious world like a canopy of darkness.

The moon resplended the little area with a whitish brilliance, illuminating the darkness with its gleam. Sakura sat down within this brightness, and due to the lambency, was able to stare at her light skin.

Abruptly who had audio input a robust. Previously the person in question could yank herself raise up to study the foundation, six bare the community were idle in advance her. Sakura drew her sword.

* * *

we were sent by aku said the first man who was carrying a sword and actually they were all carrying swords and sakura jumped up and pointed her sword at them and said i will fight you and they laughed and drew their swords and pointed them at her and attacked and sakura was a really good swordfighter.


	9. Chapter 9

Suddenly Jack ran in and said "Baka! Nani minikui are you henjins kawaii?" And then he saw that Sakura was swordfighting with naked men (A?N: LOL NO NOT LIEK THAET U PERVS!) (A?N: HO BTW I SEAPK LTOS OF DFIRFENT LGNAUGAES! !) and said "Ach! Nani des ka getung spricht la banane?"

"Je suis un sandwiche," replied the third naked man.

"Ego sum abbas cucaniensis!" declared Sakura eloquently before attacking.

"Ich bin eine kleine nachtmusik!" The man screamed back.

The swords clashed so violently that sparks came flying forth from the metal. As good a swordsman as was Sakura, she lacked one advantage of Jack's: not protected by magic, her sword soon shattered into a thousand tiny fragments. She cried out to Jack:

"Watashi no sweorda nicht-habbe! Hilfe pomme de terre!"

Suddenly one of the men narrowly cut off Sakura's bikini. While she was startled, one of the other men grabbed her and they all dragged her off.

"Merde!" cried Sakura.

"Wafna!" cried the men.

"Figaro!" cried Jack.


	10. Chapter 10

After much trouble, Jack rescued Sakura and kept her from getting raped... He took her back to the part of the woods where they were staying...

"Those men..." Jack began, "They were sent... by Aku..."

"Really...? How... can you tell?"

"You don't... want to know..." said Jack... He brushed his hair back...

"Oh... woe! Woe and anguish!" Sakura... said...

Sakura then decided that, due to her misery, she would begin cutting herself and stop eating.


	11. Chapter 11

WWOOOOOOOOO!11! Im oN a SUGA HIGH!1 LOLOLOLOLOLLOL!O! Its 2 am AnD I aM CRAAAZZZZZZZYYYYY!Y! So JacK WaS RunnINg AnD ThEn SaKUra CamE OuT And SaiD LOLOLOLOLOLOO!11 my potato is no match for your cheese! Rank me baby, rank me!

Then Jack jumped in a tree and screamed never humongous pigeon! I am but a flying mouse that shall conquereth thine most unhooly rood! Bow before mine muscles! GRRRR! and then a car fell from the sky and Mad Jack came out and danced!

Then teh Auth0r ran ni aNd said lol u guys r ruining my stroy!~ olololollloolol ANND TEHY SAID LOL OAKY WE'LL STOP!111~~~~~~~ you are lame!11~~~~~


	12. Chapter 12

After the Baron left, everything went back to normal and resumed. Sakura was most saddened and upset. The next day, Jack came up to her as she sat there hacking away at her arm with a razor blade, letting the warm, red blood drip forth, showing the world, through her actions, her inner pain, and he (Jack) said to her:

"Sakura, I have something to say:"

[Here Jack recites the lyrics to The Time Warp song from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.]

Jack accompanied his melody by playing his sword, in the same fashion as some might play a saw. The beautiful song made Sakura wipe away her tears and forget all her misery.

Meanwhile, Aku was angry because his troupe of naked men had not successfully raped and been mean to Sakura. So was her father. They were drinking shants. And smoking fags. While having it at the billiards. With pornography. Movies in the background. Talking.

(^o^)y (((-_-)"(-_-#)We must get back Sakura, so that she can never be happy bwa ha ha" ^o^Aku.

"Yes (-_^)" Sakura's father. Oo(^_^)y-~

Then Aku looked in a mirror and said "AH! MY foamable foes are together!onethousandonehundredeleven"


	13. Chapter 13

Menwhile, Jack and Sacra wear in the wood and she was getting dispersed again. She has gotten new clots and was wearing a pear of shorts and a small shit.

"Oh! Woe! Melancholy woe! I am so unhappy! My dreams of being a samurai are dashed, dashed I say! And I feel something negative about almost getting raped, though I have no notion of what the exact feeling ought to be. But it is most dramatic!"

"Don't worry," Jack hugged, "You can still be a samurai," he expunged, "You just need a little more training," he motioned, "And since I promised to teach you," he hesitated, "I will," he tap-danced.


	14. Chapter 14

All of a sudden, his dancing was interrupted when Aku appeared they're before them!

Jack and Sakura *sweatdrop* *facefault* scream "Aaaahh!" and Aku says "*eyebrow twitch* Grrrr!"

At the start of the attack, Jack and Sakura are too stunned to move. They stood there for a moment in silence. Then, suddenly, Aku lunged right for Sakura, and Jack, recovering his senses, will draw his sword. After he has drawn his sword, Jack had stabbed Aku who was to be flying with Sakura, and who is screaming. Aku was, not Sakura is. He will have been injured and dropped Sakura. Sakura will be injured by her plummet and she screams. She announced it by yelled:

"Oh, no! Jack, will I have been hurt!"

Jack suddenly dropped his sword and rushed to Sakura's side, for he could not bring himself to fight the enemy, for whom he had waited a lifetime to kill, while the girl he had known for a day and a half was injured. It seems her head had fallen off.


	15. Chapter 15

Aku cackled wickedly. "Looks like won't have to marry her after all!" And with that he grabbed up her detached body and disappeared to his chamber in the Pit of Hate.

Jack cradled Sakura's head in his arms. She began to cry. Jack tried his best to comfort the flawless orb that lay between his hands, with long locks as thin and fine as web of spider's grind; sparkling in the sunlight, her perfect strands did... sparkle... so, their midnight blackness such a spectacle that even the sun and sky itself did seem the less for comparison; if Berenice did have such hair that 'twas worthy of heaven's placement, then Sakura's surely did deserve to be woven well across the full milky way, for as many stars as lay therein, they could not rival the illuminessence of Sakura's tresses; and if comets were named for hair, then they all should be renamed "Sakuras," for there is no hair but the hair etc. etc.

"Don't worry, Sakura," spake Jake, "I know a great and powerful healer who can help you. His name is Bill Gates."

Sakura would have nodded in response, except she didn't have a neck.


	16. Chapter 16

And, so, Jack traveled with Sakura for many miles, over harsh terrainses and freezing mountains. After many days, they finally reached an Internet Cafe. Jack set Sakura's head on top of the monitor, ordered a green tea, and went to work.

"Hello," typed Jack, "I am a very sick girl :( My betrothed is typing this for me, because I cannot. My body is missing. We need your help. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money :( I hope you will help me. If you can forward this e-mail, then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors, who will help me :D Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. The samurai warrior is so sad, and I want a body so much. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's okay. The samurai says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor princess with only a head. He says that he hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, and that he will hunt you down :( What kind of person are you anyway if you can't help a poor, bodiless girl?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. Praise Jesus :)

Thank You.

~*~*Sakura Sushiko*~*~


	17. Chapter 17

Fortunately, the good people of the world all came to Sakura's aid, for her story so touched their courages, and longened they to goon on pilgrimages. They all sent money, (Except for her evil father, who did not even forward the email, because he was too

drunk) and Sakura was able to get a body transplant. They gave her the body of a cat-girl, and it was even more perfect than her old body. They even went and added the little ears

onto her head, so that everything would match. Sakura was delighted.

"Oh, Jack!

This new form does thrill me so! I am most satisfied.""In that case," said Jack, "Will you marry me?" Sakura

was silent.

"No, I shan't, shan't I say!" cried Sakura.

Jack dropped his jaw, then began to weep and beat his chest and tear and his clothes and hair till it fell down long around his shoulders which is TEH SEXXXXYY! "But why? Why?" he wept.

Sakura sighed, and recited the poem she wrote for some reason for just this kind of situation:

"I do not love thee, Samurai.

I cannot tell the reason why;

But on this fact you may rely,

I do not love thee, Samurai."

Then Sakura suggested that they go off to kill Aku.

"Oh, d00d! I forgot about that!" said Jack.


	18. Chapter 18

LOLOLOLOOLWTF I had liek total wrieter blcko! I coudnt tink of nething fro like a DAY!1 Pluz lyk the new seson of plastic sergery before and after was on and so I wuz alle bust lolololo!2 But now hier ist die neu chateptr!1234567890

Jack & Sakura thus went, & travelled many a mile b4 they at last came 2 the Evil Castle of Aku. It was all black & ugly. Softly, softly they snucked in2 the front gate, well disguised from the robot guards by some leaves & shrubbery they used 2 cover themselves. The guards 1ly saw 2 bushes walking in through the gate, & so they completely ignored them.

Once inside, Jack and Sakura cast off their disguises & pulled out their swords (Sakura bought a new 1 between chapters) & headed in2 the Pit of H8 where Aku was supposed 2 b w8ing 4 them.

"Oh, Jack, I M scared!"

"Don't worry," said Jack. "This is the last ste samurI."


	19. Chapter 19

OK PEEPS SO LIKE IN THIS CHAPPIE DIALOGE THAT'S IN ! IS SAKURA AND : IS SKAURA IN THOUGHT AND :: IS JACK IN THOUGHT AND () IS AKU AND &*( IS MARVIN THE GARDENER BUT ONLY WHEN HE'S SINGING.

Sakura was real scared, but Jack touched her arm consoling, and quick moved down the hall to the Pit of Hate where Aku was unknowing waiting.

Sakura could not help but smile. :I wonder if I will be successful?:

::I hope Sakura will marry me after this, perhaps all she needs is a confidence boost.::

!Jack I am very worried. What if you get hurt figting Aku?!

:For God knows I am perfect and will never be injured in fight.:

Jack smiled and then went into the pit of hate without saying anything ::Oh how I do love that girl, and her sexy sexy cat body.::

Then Aku looked up and saw them ()Ah!()

!Oh my God, what are you doing to my old body?!

&*(Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, My master's gone away.&*(


	20. Chapter 20

Aku quickly tossed away Sakura's old body and covered himself up.

AKU: Argh! At last ye be here, mateys! (Troublesomely) Now I will fight you at last, Sakura!

Aku suddenly pulled out a whip and then began to whip Sakura meanily. Jack gasped in horror and stepped back with fear and excitement, cowering in the corner. Then Sakura she faught back with her sword.

SAKURA: Why you…

Sakura screamed and jumped at Aku with her sword raised. Since Sakura was a very clever girl, she had thought to buy a magic sword that was capable of hurting Aku. They were very popular on the black market.

AKU: (Getting cut) Arrgh! Aye Alack! Thou hast slain me!

SAKURA: Yes, foul demon! Trouble the world no longer with your evils!

Then all of a sudden, with his dying breath, Aku reached out and using his evil claws, sliced open Sakura's stomach. She collapsed as her intestines fell out prettily.

OMGOMGOMGOMG!


	21. Chapter 21

Jack rushed to Sakura's side and cradled her head in his arms. Blood dripped tragically from her mouth. She gasped for air.

"Oh, no! Sakura! Oh, Sakura, my love, do not die!"

"Oh, Jack! I fear it is beyond my control."

"No, my darling Sakura! No!"

"Yes, my dearest, yes."

"No!"

"But soft! Good has yet come from my most tragical demise. The world is free from Aku. I have died so that others may yet live. Oh, Jack! I always did love you, always! I have but one regret, and that is only that I did not confess it sooner!"

"Oh, Sakura! Sakuraaaa!"

"Gchugk, cuhhhhcgh! Cough, cough! Oh, Jack, I am slipping, slipping! Jack, my dearest, do kiss me this final once."

Jack kissed her passionately, but by the time he pulled away, she was already dead.


	22. Chapter 22

Jack wept pitifully, hunched over the body of his poor, dead love, Princess Sakura Sushiko. Her pink lips, her rosey cheeks, still held the hues of vigour, and one might have taken her but for an angle resting peacefully were it not for the fact that her intestines were spilling out of her gut, like a beautiful waterfall over bloody, feces-smeared stones, flowing gloriously across the prior pallid land, and letting life lift forth therefrom; each length glistened so, like blue diamonds twisted together into a long and luxurious thread; but the fair flesh of Sakura was more valuable still than even the rarest of gems, and Samurai Jack cried a bunch.

Then all of a sudden, over the sound of his own tears, Jack heard an odd noise. Like a chorus, coming down from the heavens above. He looked upward, and found that the clouds were parting. A golden staircase rolled out from between them. The music grew louder. Then, descending gracefully downward, came an ensemble of Valkyries, singing fervent praises (a/nOMG PDQ I LIKE TOTLAYY LURVE THE MGAIK FLOOT! I DNOT OWN A COPY BUT SOME1 SAYD THAT'S WHAT SMRT PEOPLE LISSIN TO!): and in front of them was THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT nd she said:

"O tremble not, Sakura, for I am your real mother and have come for you at last."


	23. Chapter 23

(A/N OK DDUES SO I TNHIK I BKORE MY KYEOBARD CUS LIKE ALL THE VWLOES DNOT WROK SO IM JSUT GINOG TO PUT CMOMAMS ISTNEAD CUZ LIEK I KWNO TAHT YOU GYUS WLIL DIE IF I DONT PSOT THE NEW CPHTAER IDMEMATIELY)

"My r3 l m0ther? At l0ng l0ng l st?" s 'd S kura's gh0st, gl'st3ning t3 rs sh'mm3r'ng d0wn h3r sp rkl'ng f0rm.

"Y3s 'nd33d S 'kur y0u r3 n0 l0ng3r 'n d ng3r nd y0u h v3 m d3 y0ur f th3r nd ' pr0ud by bec0ming a r3al Samurai at last."

"Where will you take me?"

"tO THE cELESTIAL pALACE. tHERE, WE WILL LIVE IN BLISS AND HAPPINESS, AND i WILL NEVER TELL YOU TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM OR TO WEAR LESS MAKEUP."

"Oh,mother!HowhappyI am! Except..."

"What is it, my dear?" asked the Queen with concern.

"It is only... oh, mother! How I shall miss poor Jack!"

Jack looked up at Sakura through eyes blurred by tears. "Concern yourself nought amid me, my betrothed care Sakura-chan! Go onward to your happy fate! I shall meanwhile cart your dead body all across the world with me as I wander aimlessly, waiting for the day upon which I will be reunited with the spirit I so loved that possessed that gorgeous form!"

Sakura turned to the Queen. "Oh, mother, can he please come with us?"

The Queen frowned thoughtfully. "Hmmm... well, okay."

And there was much rejoicing. Jack and Sakura were then dressed in fine designer clothes, and with the entourage of a thousand Valkyries, they made their accent into heaven, where they could have all the sex they wanted, and only Jack would ever get pregnant, for ever and ever and ever.

TEH ENDE!OMG WTF LOL SOS


End file.
